My Disease Doesn’t Live By My Schedule

How do you schedule for a disease that won’t allow you to live that way? You want to plan things and always be there but you just can’t, so how can you deal with this with out coming off as flake or feeling guilty? I get so depressed when I think about all of the important events I have had to miss in the last few years. The birthdays, baby showers, births of friend’s kids, dinners with friends all missed because I am too weak some times to handle life. I went to my friend’s child’s first birthday party and as I looked at pictures of her babies birth I got so sad because I wasn’t there and then my brain went on a rant over all of the things I’ve missed. I am sure to others I just come off anti-social sitting in my corner just observing the world as it happens around me, but that is because I am frozen in these moments while my brain tells me how awful I am for missing all of these amazing moments and logically I know I should just be happy for being there in this moment with all of these people I love celebrating this sweet girl being one but I can’t do that. It gets so bad that I finally have to excuse myself. I feel the tears coming. I know that I can’t hold it in much longer. I go outside and play with children. I go sit in the sun and tell myself to shut up to get my shit together because today is a happy day and I am not going to let myself ruin this. I hate this. Also found out another really good friend’s band is playing at an awesome concert in March. In the moment I was like oh my gosh yes I want to go and see you play how amazing is that and now that I have started planning for it, all I can think of is, “is my brain going to allow me to go and enjoy this moment.” What kind of life is that to have to wonder if your brain, a part of your own damn body, is going to allow you to enjoy this or if it is going to overwhelm you to the point where either you back out completely or you make yourself and everyone else miserable by being there. This is what I am talking about every moment I plan to spend with others takes more work than it should. It takes mental preparation and I have to wake up that day and choose to tell my brain to just shut up that it isn’t going to ruin something else for me. When I plan lunch with someone it takes me 3 hours to get ready and mentally prepare. I have to talk myself through it out loud and convince myself that this person isn’t inviting me to lunch just to make fun of me and cause me a mental breakdown. I have to convince myself that they actually like me and don’t just feel obligated to check on the “depressed girl”. It is absolute hell living in my head and I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy. I use to be that girl that did everything in the moment  and now I can barely ever accept an invitation to do anything spur of the moment. I just haven’t been able to handle things the same since the great breakdown of 2015. Today is a dark gray day that has moments of violet gray.