Depression isn’t sadness. It’s a nothingness that consumes your thoughts and emotions. Its an emptiness that strikes you to your very soul. Its an exhaustion that makes your entire body feel like you’ve never had a good nights sleep in your life. The tiredness makes you feel paralyzed and your whole body aches with it. It’s lying there and having every bad memory or thought you’ve ever had swallow you up. Depression isn’t sadness but maybe that is all the outside world sees. The world sees a person lying there who looks sad. What you don’t see is a person who has lost all feeling. Who wishes they could find some kind of emotional release but knows no tears will come. A person who lies there waiting to have the strength to get back up only to fight the same fight they’ve been fighting all their life and will inevitably be knocked back down again. You don’t see the demon whispering in their ear. You don’t hear the words of worthlessness. You don’t see their invisible bully who is constantly there who is so deep rooted inside themselves that it is always lingering waiting for them to have a second alone, so that it can swallow them whole. You don’t see the perpetual darkness. You don’t see them gasping for breath and the wondering if this time they won’t be able to get back up and fight again. You see them lying there sad. You may even think them to be lazy. You don’t know that they haven’t eaten all day and that they have no appetite. When they decide they need food the act of getting up and figuring out what to eat is so overwhelming and exhausting they would rather just go back to sleep. You don’t know what it is like to hate a part of yourself. You don’t know how many times they’ve asked why them and why does this even exist. You don’t know how it feels to have to constantly second guess every thought and have to train yourself not to trust your own brain. You tell yourself all the time that you are crazy. You wonder how or why anyone cares when most days you don’t even care. You have days where you completely hate yourself and wish you had never been born. You have days where the thought of getting out of bed is too much to bare. The world doesn’t see the lack of hygiene. The fact that you haven’t mustered the energy to change your clothes in days. They don’t see your gums bleed the first time you do have the energy to brush your teeth again. They don’t see you cry in the shower and not understand why. The don’t see the world as this grey never ending pile of shit like you do. You just want to disappear. You want to sleep until it is all over. They can’t understand. No one understands and if they did well they’d all know your darkness and then maybe that would be all they would see. They’d see you smiling and wonder if you’re about to fall apart again. Maybe it’s better if the world just thinks your sad.
This…
This happens all the time to me. It’s so hard to explain that I am okay but sad at the same time and that I really just need a hug. It makes me feel needy. My husband has just kind of learned that when I say I just need a hug not to ask why or what’s wrong because there isn’t always a specific reason. I am okay but I am sad and I just need a hug. I know it must be frustrating to him that everything can be great and then all of a sudden I get quiet and my mannerisms change. He asks me what just happened and I have no answer for him. I am just sad. In that moment for no good reason I feel sad. It actually easier being around other people than my husband because others don’t seem to notice as much. I hate having to try to articulate the words to explain what is going on with me. Most of the time I just leave it at I am okay.. I am fine. Anyone else feel this way?
My Disease Doesn’t Live By My Schedule
How do you schedule for a disease that won’t allow you to live that way? You want to plan things and always be there but you just can’t, so how can you deal with this with out coming off as flake or feeling guilty? I get so depressed when I think about all of the important events I have had to miss in the last few years. The birthdays, baby showers, births of friend’s kids, dinners with friends all missed because I am too weak some times to handle life. I went to my friend’s child’s first birthday party and as I looked at pictures of her babies birth I got so sad because I wasn’t there and then my brain went on a rant over all of the things I’ve missed. I am sure to others I just come off anti-social sitting in my corner just observing the world as it happens around me, but that is because I am frozen in these moments while my brain tells me how awful I am for missing all of these amazing moments and logically I know I should just be happy for being there in this moment with all of these people I love celebrating this sweet girl being one but I can’t do that. It gets so bad that I finally have to excuse myself. I feel the tears coming. I know that I can’t hold it in much longer. I go outside and play with children. I go sit in the sun and tell myself to shut up to get my shit together because today is a happy day and I am not going to let myself ruin this. I hate this. Also found out another really good friend’s band is playing at an awesome concert in March. In the moment I was like oh my gosh yes I want to go and see you play how amazing is that and now that I have started planning for it, all I can think of is, “is my brain going to allow me to go and enjoy this moment.” What kind of life is that to have to wonder if your brain, a part of your own damn body, is going to allow you to enjoy this or if it is going to overwhelm you to the point where either you back out completely or you make yourself and everyone else miserable by being there. This is what I am talking about every moment I plan to spend with others takes more work than it should. It takes mental preparation and I have to wake up that day and choose to tell my brain to just shut up that it isn’t going to ruin something else for me. When I plan lunch with someone it takes me 3 hours to get ready and mentally prepare. I have to talk myself through it out loud and convince myself that this person isn’t inviting me to lunch just to make fun of me and cause me a mental breakdown. I have to convince myself that they actually like me and don’t just feel obligated to check on the “depressed girl”. It is absolute hell living in my head and I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy. I use to be that girl that did everything in the moment and now I can barely ever accept an invitation to do anything spur of the moment. I just haven’t been able to handle things the same since the great breakdown of 2015. Today is a dark gray day that has moments of violet gray.
Unicorns??
My husband keeps asking me what my obsession with unicorns is and where it has come from. Honestly to me unicorns embody happiness. They are rainbow colored and magical. It’s hard not to become fascinated in magical things when your life consists of darkness. I’ve liked them since I was a kid but the older I get the more I enjoy them. I enjoy the makeup, hair, and clothing inspired by them. I love all the bright colors and the glitter. It makes me feel joy even though its fleeting it does give me that moment of this is wonderful. I do tend to become overly obsessed with things that make me feel that way, but life is short and why not relish in the things that bring us joy even if it is unicorns, mermaids, or harry potter. Who cares? Just love what you love and let it make you happy. Happiness is rare and fleeting in my life and whatever brings me joy I am going to accept it. I am a big kid at heart. I love gummy bears, disney movies, and sometimes wish I could live in wonderland where mad is a common thing. Surrounding myself in childish things can sometimes help me fight off my darkness. Maybe that is silly I don’t know…all I know is that I get relief in my life very rarely and whenever I find it, wherever I find it I am going to live in it as much as I can. Are there any random things that bring joy to your life as well?
Oh the Mania of it ALL
Why is it that when I have “good” days instead of being productive I choose to play around and spend pointless money on things. It feels like I am restless. I have been stuck in this house with these dogs and no interaction with others for so long that I just go wild. When I was healthier before the great breakdown of 2015, I use to go out dancing, drinking, shopping, playing at parks, theater shows, rock concerts, and so many other things all of the time. Now that I spend so much time at home rotating between the bed and the couch when I can muster the energy when I feel really great all I want to do is get out of this damn house and see people. Go do things. Be out in the world. My house is a disaster. Christmas decorations are still up. Stuff is stacked everywhere. There is laundry for days. My husband is in the oilfield and he works so hard in order for me to stay home and focus on my health. I feel so guilty that when he is only home so many days a month that he has to spend them cleaning this house that I sit in day in and out. I constantly tell myself that if I were him I would leave me. How lazy can I be that on days when I am feeling well enough to be up doing things I do not complete a single task in this house. I look at bills and feel guilty for spending his hard earned money on selfish frivolous things. He doesn’t get mad. He cares so intensely for me that he just lets me deal with things the best way I can. He doesn’t put any kind of pressure on me to do anything because he knows and has seen how easily I can break. Yet I feel extreme guilt. Maybe I need more accountability. Anyone understand this? Anyone experience this never ending cycle of depression, gladness, guilt and depression? Sometimes it feels completely pointless to even try, to do anything because this cycle is never ending. I don’t even allow myself to be present in the good moments because I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I guess that is the thing about dysthymia…you know its there just lingering waiting for you to have a silent moment so it can creep back up. It makes life feel pretty pointless. Right now I am sitting here alone at home and my darkness came to say hello because I was sitting her relaxing in silence. He’s such a relentless bully. I wish he had a face, so that I could make it feel my pain. I want something to blame this on. I don’t want it to be because of my genes. I don’t want it to be my fault that I am this way. I want to yell. I want to shout about this pain and anguish how unfair it is that I can not even enjoy a slight moment of silence with out my brain turning dark. Can you imagine taking a vacation lounging on a beach in silence listening to the oceans waves crashing around feeling relaxed..zen even..and then all of sudden”you’re so fat, you’re so stupid, no one actually likes you, you know that one thing you did when you were 10 years old yeah that thing its still here and oh yes it does make you a horrible person, how can you just lay here, what makes you feel like you deserve this moment of peace, why don’t you just leave, yeah that’s what you should do just leave, disappear, no one would care, you would actually be doing them a favor, you’re such a burden, oh are you going to cry now that’s right cry little baby, you can’t even take care of yourself how are you ever suppose to be a mother.” The mania of it all. The ups and downs and the never ending strong desire to want nothing more than for it to all just stop. I don’t even want ups…I just want flat….nothing…just regular..blah days. Nothing special just every day to be zen. Oh what a life that would be. At least then I would be able to get every day tasks done. Ugh. I hate my depression and anxiety. I wish it was like a wart. I could go to the doctor and be like hey will you freeze this bitch off its super annoying and it just needs to go. If only it could be like that, but a girl can dream.
SLEEP…You’re No Friend of Mine
I can remember the days when sleep and I were such good friends. I loved him and he loved me…we lived in harmony. Now a days it is like we are in this endless battle. He likes to come and go as he pleases leaving me either exhausted (and depressed) or oversleeping (and depressed). I have always heard that a person needs 8 hours of sleep since I was a kid. My therapist tells me that isn’t true. Some people function better on less sleep than that but that you have to have more than 90 mins straight of rest to enter REM sleep. I have noticed that I really do function better off of 4-6 hours of sleep. If I sleep more than 6 it gets easy to just continue sleeping. I have to say oversleeping with my depression is probably the worst thing I can do…my darkness feeds off of it. I sometimes envision my depression as this dark mass that just looms over me like a shadow and sometimes it is whispering in my ear and when ever I give it what it wants it grows immensely. I have completely allowed my depression to consume my life. It manages me. The funny thing about it is at the time I do not realize I am feeding my depression. I am convinced that I am completely exhausted and that I am choosing the healthier choice by allowing myself sleep when I can get it. Maybe that’s my brains way of rationalizing it…I don’t really know, but that is what happens. I am determined to win this battle with sleep though. Psychiatrist wants to put me on sleeping medication if I can’t get it to regulate. I have been on sleeping medication before and I hated it. It made me feel like a zombie. I do not want that again. I think I should name my depression since I am not supposed to use the word depression so much anymore. I am leaning toward Neraka or Moriti. Neraka means abyss in Indonesian and Moriti is shadow in Sesotho. I decided to look up these two words in other languages and these two stood out to me because they sound like sinister names for characters in science fiction novels. I like them both not sure which one to choose they both are good choices for my darkness. I will let you people know what I decide next post.
This Blog is Probably Going to Suck
Well hello and stuff. My name is Heather and I am writing and publishing this blog as a creative outlet to help manage my depression and anxiety. It was requested by my therapist that I find a creative outlet and my best friend suggested I try blogging. I guess I will just start with the basics. I am married. I have 3 dogs. I suffer from Dysthymia or Persistent Depressive Disorder and Anxiety. You know all those fun things a 28 year old wants to have to deal with for the rest of their life. Today was therapy day. I had serious anxiety about it but the session was great. One of my biggest problems is that I feel extremely ashamed of my own illness therefore I judge myself harshly pretty much all the time. I think in very negative terms about myself and my mood, so the therapist told me today that I need to stop using depression so often and take normal completely out of my vocabulary. She believes that since I associate depression with this never ending horrible thing that when I use the word depression to describe how I am feeling or what is happening in my life that I am actually reinforcing my shame and negative judgement. I also focus entirely too much on “is this normal.” Normalcy has no right or wrong answer and it is all about how it is perceived therefore when I focus on normalcy I end up chasing this ever changing endless thing that is never in my grasp. Instead she has me categorizing my mood by color gradient, because you do not judge colors they are never changing and they bring nothing negative to the table. I charted my depression from black to purple. Black because I refer to my bad days as my dark days and purple is my favorite color it symbolizes happiness to me. I only allowed myself 5 values. The first being black for severely dark days, I am talking the kind where you can not get out of bed. You have no energy. You feel nothing and that’s all you want is to sleep and slip into nothingness. Next we have a dark gray. This is for the bad days, but you can still get out of bed and maybe accomplish one or two things but its still teetering on dark. After that comes violet gray, for “okay” depression. It’s there still in focus but it’s not consuming. Dark Violet comes next and it’s for slight sadness or heaviness. The depression is there I feel it but I do not acknowledge it. Violet is the final level. This is for those moments, even though they are fleeting, depression isn’t on my mind I do not feel it. I am having a good happy moment. I am interested to see how much my mood actually fluctuates. I am hopeful that staying self aware about my own emotional state will help me to better understand my disease and to gauge any triggers that may be there. Well that’s it. My first blog post. Maybe this will help someone else. Maybe this will just help me to get things off my chest and creatively refocus my energy instead of dwelling on my disease. I do not know. I guess we will just have to see what happens.
Just A Girl Living In Her Dysthymia World 