Depression isn’t sadness. It’s a nothingness that consumes your thoughts and emotions. Its an emptiness that strikes you to your very soul. Its an exhaustion that makes your entire body feel like you’ve never had a good nights sleep in your life. The tiredness makes you feel paralyzed and your whole body aches with it. It’s lying there and having every bad memory or thought you’ve ever had swallow you up. Depression isn’t sadness but maybe that is all the outside world sees. The world sees a person lying there who looks sad. What you don’t see is a person who has lost all feeling. Who wishes they could find some kind of emotional release but knows no tears will come. A person who lies there waiting to have the strength to get back up only to fight the same fight they’ve been fighting all their life and will inevitably be knocked back down again. You don’t see the demon whispering in their ear. You don’t hear the words of worthlessness. You don’t see their invisible bully who is constantly there who is so deep rooted inside themselves that it is always lingering waiting for them to have a second alone, so that it can swallow them whole. You don’t see the perpetual darkness. You don’t see them gasping for breath and the wondering if this time they won’t be able to get back up and fight again. You see them lying there sad. You may even think them to be lazy. You don’t know that they haven’t eaten all day and that they have no appetite. When they decide they need food the act of getting up and figuring out what to eat is so overwhelming and exhausting they would rather just go back to sleep. You don’t know what it is like to hate a part of yourself. You don’t know how many times they’ve asked why them and why does this even exist. You don’t know how it feels to have to constantly second guess every thought and have to train yourself not to trust your own brain. You tell yourself all the time that you are crazy. You wonder how or why anyone cares when most days you don’t even care. You have days where you completely hate yourself and wish you had never been born. You have days where the thought of getting out of bed is too much to bare. The world doesn’t see the lack of hygiene. The fact that you haven’t mustered the energy to change your clothes in days. They don’t see your gums bleed the first time you do have the energy to brush your teeth again. They don’t see you cry in the shower and not understand why. The don’t see the world as this grey never ending pile of shit like you do. You just want to disappear. You want to sleep until it is all over. They can’t understand. No one understands and if they did well they’d all know your darkness and then maybe that would be all they would see. They’d see you smiling and wonder if you’re about to fall apart again. Maybe it’s better if the world just thinks your sad.
Category: depression
This…
This happens all the time to me. It’s so hard to explain that I am okay but sad at the same time and that I really just need a hug. It makes me feel needy. My husband has just kind of learned that when I say I just need a hug not to ask why or what’s wrong because there isn’t always a specific reason. I am okay but I am sad and I just need a hug. I know it must be frustrating to him that everything can be great and then all of a sudden I get quiet and my mannerisms change. He asks me what just happened and I have no answer for him. I am just sad. In that moment for no good reason I feel sad. It actually easier being around other people than my husband because others don’t seem to notice as much. I hate having to try to articulate the words to explain what is going on with me. Most of the time I just leave it at I am okay.. I am fine. Anyone else feel this way?
My Disease Doesn’t Live By My Schedule
How do you schedule for a disease that won’t allow you to live that way? You want to plan things and always be there but you just can’t, so how can you deal with this with out coming off as flake or feeling guilty? I get so depressed when I think about all of the important events I have had to miss in the last few years. The birthdays, baby showers, births of friend’s kids, dinners with friends all missed because I am too weak some times to handle life. I went to my friend’s child’s first birthday party and as I looked at pictures of her babies birth I got so sad because I wasn’t there and then my brain went on a rant over all of the things I’ve missed. I am sure to others I just come off anti-social sitting in my corner just observing the world as it happens around me, but that is because I am frozen in these moments while my brain tells me how awful I am for missing all of these amazing moments and logically I know I should just be happy for being there in this moment with all of these people I love celebrating this sweet girl being one but I can’t do that. It gets so bad that I finally have to excuse myself. I feel the tears coming. I know that I can’t hold it in much longer. I go outside and play with children. I go sit in the sun and tell myself to shut up to get my shit together because today is a happy day and I am not going to let myself ruin this. I hate this. Also found out another really good friend’s band is playing at an awesome concert in March. In the moment I was like oh my gosh yes I want to go and see you play how amazing is that and now that I have started planning for it, all I can think of is, “is my brain going to allow me to go and enjoy this moment.” What kind of life is that to have to wonder if your brain, a part of your own damn body, is going to allow you to enjoy this or if it is going to overwhelm you to the point where either you back out completely or you make yourself and everyone else miserable by being there. This is what I am talking about every moment I plan to spend with others takes more work than it should. It takes mental preparation and I have to wake up that day and choose to tell my brain to just shut up that it isn’t going to ruin something else for me. When I plan lunch with someone it takes me 3 hours to get ready and mentally prepare. I have to talk myself through it out loud and convince myself that this person isn’t inviting me to lunch just to make fun of me and cause me a mental breakdown. I have to convince myself that they actually like me and don’t just feel obligated to check on the “depressed girl”. It is absolute hell living in my head and I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy. I use to be that girl that did everything in the moment and now I can barely ever accept an invitation to do anything spur of the moment. I just haven’t been able to handle things the same since the great breakdown of 2015. Today is a dark gray day that has moments of violet gray.
Just A Girl Living In Her Dysthymia World 