Perpetual Darkness

Depression isn’t sadness. It’s a nothingness that consumes your thoughts and emotions. Its an emptiness that strikes you to your very soul. Its an exhaustion that makes your entire body feel like you’ve never had a good nights sleep in your life. The tiredness makes you feel paralyzed and your whole body aches with it. It’s lying there and having every bad memory or thought you’ve ever had swallow you up. Depression isn’t sadness but maybe that is all the outside world sees. The world sees a person lying there who looks sad. What you don’t see is a person who has lost all feeling. Who wishes they could find some kind of emotional release but knows no tears will come. A person who lies there waiting to have the strength to get back up only to fight the same fight they’ve been fighting all their life and will inevitably be knocked back down again. You don’t see the demon whispering in their ear. You don’t hear the words of worthlessness. You don’t see their invisible bully who is constantly there who is so deep rooted inside themselves that it is always lingering waiting for them to have a second alone, so that it can swallow them whole. You don’t see the perpetual darkness. You don’t see them gasping for breath and the wondering if this time they won’t be able to get back up and fight again. You see them lying there sad. You may even think them to be lazy. You don’t know that they haven’t eaten all day and that they have no appetite. When they decide they need food the act of getting up and figuring out what to eat is so overwhelming and exhausting they would rather just go back to sleep. You don’t know what it is like to hate a part of yourself. You don’t know how many times they’ve asked why them and why does this even exist. You don’t know how it feels to have to constantly second guess every thought and have to train yourself not to trust your own brain. You tell yourself all the time that you are crazy. You wonder how or why anyone cares when most days you don’t even care. You have days where you completely hate yourself and wish you had never been born. You have days where the thought of getting out of bed is too much to bare. The world doesn’t see the lack of hygiene. The fact that you haven’t mustered the energy to change your clothes in days. They don’t see your gums bleed the first time you do have the energy to brush your teeth again. They don’t see you cry in the shower and not understand why. The don’t see the world as this grey never ending pile of shit like you do. You just want to disappear. You want to sleep until it is all over. They can’t understand. No one understands and if they did well they’d all know your darkness and then maybe that would be all they would see. They’d see you smiling and wonder if you’re about to fall apart again. Maybe it’s better if the world just thinks your sad.