Oh the Mania of it ALL

Why is it that when I have “good” days instead of being productive I choose to play around and spend pointless money on things. It feels like I am restless. I have been stuck in this house with these dogs and no interaction with others for so long that I just go wild. When I was healthier before the great breakdown of 2015, I use to go out dancing, drinking, shopping, playing at parks, theater shows, rock concerts, and so many other things all of the time. Now that I spend so much time at home rotating between the bed and the couch when I can muster the energy when I feel really great all I want to do is get out of this damn house and see people. Go do things. Be out in the world. My house is a disaster. Christmas decorations are still up. Stuff is stacked everywhere. There is laundry for days. My husband is in the oilfield and he works so hard in order for me to stay home and focus on my health. I feel so guilty that when he is only home so many days a month that he has to spend them cleaning this house that I sit in day in and out. I constantly tell myself that if I were him I would leave me. How lazy can I be that on days when I am feeling well enough to be up doing things I do not complete a single task in this house. I look at bills and feel guilty for spending his hard earned money on selfish frivolous things. He doesn’t get mad. He cares so intensely for me that he just lets me deal with things the best way I can. He doesn’t put any kind of pressure on me to do anything because he knows and has seen how easily I can break. Yet I feel extreme guilt. Maybe I need more accountability. Anyone understand this? Anyone experience this never ending cycle of depression, gladness, guilt and depression? Sometimes it feels completely pointless to even try, to do anything because this cycle is never ending. I don’t even allow myself to be present in the good moments because I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I guess that is the thing about dysthymia…you know its there just lingering waiting for you to have a silent moment so it can creep back up. It makes life feel pretty pointless. Right now I am sitting here alone at home and my darkness came to say hello because I was sitting her relaxing in silence. He’s such a relentless bully. I wish he had a face, so that I could make it feel my pain. I want something to blame this on. I don’t want it to be because of my genes. I don’t want it to be my fault that I am this way. I want to yell. I want to shout about this pain and anguish how unfair it is that I can not even enjoy a slight moment of silence with out my brain turning dark. Can you imagine taking a vacation lounging on a beach in silence listening to the oceans waves crashing around feeling relaxed..zen even..and then all of sudden”you’re so fat, you’re so stupid, no one actually likes you, you know that one thing you did when you were 10 years old yeah that thing its still here and oh yes it does make you a horrible person, how can you just lay here, what makes you feel like you deserve this moment of peace, why don’t you just leave, yeah that’s what you should do just leave, disappear, no one would care, you would actually be doing them a favor, you’re such a burden, oh are you going to cry now that’s right cry little baby, you can’t even take care of yourself how are you ever suppose to be a mother.” The mania of it all. The ups and downs and the never ending strong desire to want nothing more than for it to all just stop. I don’t even want ups…I just want flat….nothing…just regular..blah days. Nothing special just every day to be zen. Oh what a life that would be. At least then I would be able to get every day tasks done. Ugh. I hate my depression and anxiety. I wish it was like a wart. I could go to the doctor and be like hey will you freeze this bitch off its super annoying and it just needs to go. If only it could be like that, but a girl can dream.