Depression isn’t sadness. It’s a nothingness that consumes your thoughts and emotions. Its an emptiness that strikes you to your very soul. Its an exhaustion that makes your entire body feel like you’ve never had a good nights sleep in your life. The tiredness makes you feel paralyzed and your whole body aches with it. It’s lying there and having every bad memory or thought you’ve ever had swallow you up. Depression isn’t sadness but maybe that is all the outside world sees. The world sees a person lying there who looks sad. What you don’t see is a person who has lost all feeling. Who wishes they could find some kind of emotional release but knows no tears will come. A person who lies there waiting to have the strength to get back up only to fight the same fight they’ve been fighting all their life and will inevitably be knocked back down again. You don’t see the demon whispering in their ear. You don’t hear the words of worthlessness. You don’t see their invisible bully who is constantly there who is so deep rooted inside themselves that it is always lingering waiting for them to have a second alone, so that it can swallow them whole. You don’t see the perpetual darkness. You don’t see them gasping for breath and the wondering if this time they won’t be able to get back up and fight again. You see them lying there sad. You may even think them to be lazy. You don’t know that they haven’t eaten all day and that they have no appetite. When they decide they need food the act of getting up and figuring out what to eat is so overwhelming and exhausting they would rather just go back to sleep. You don’t know what it is like to hate a part of yourself. You don’t know how many times they’ve asked why them and why does this even exist. You don’t know how it feels to have to constantly second guess every thought and have to train yourself not to trust your own brain. You tell yourself all the time that you are crazy. You wonder how or why anyone cares when most days you don’t even care. You have days where you completely hate yourself and wish you had never been born. You have days where the thought of getting out of bed is too much to bare. The world doesn’t see the lack of hygiene. The fact that you haven’t mustered the energy to change your clothes in days. They don’t see your gums bleed the first time you do have the energy to brush your teeth again. They don’t see you cry in the shower and not understand why. The don’t see the world as this grey never ending pile of shit like you do. You just want to disappear. You want to sleep until it is all over. They can’t understand. No one understands and if they did well they’d all know your darkness and then maybe that would be all they would see. They’d see you smiling and wonder if you’re about to fall apart again. Maybe it’s better if the world just thinks your sad.
Category: Uncategorized
Oh the Mania of it ALL
Why is it that when I have “good” days instead of being productive I choose to play around and spend pointless money on things. It feels like I am restless. I have been stuck in this house with these dogs and no interaction with others for so long that I just go wild. When I was healthier before the great breakdown of 2015, I use to go out dancing, drinking, shopping, playing at parks, theater shows, rock concerts, and so many other things all of the time. Now that I spend so much time at home rotating between the bed and the couch when I can muster the energy when I feel really great all I want to do is get out of this damn house and see people. Go do things. Be out in the world. My house is a disaster. Christmas decorations are still up. Stuff is stacked everywhere. There is laundry for days. My husband is in the oilfield and he works so hard in order for me to stay home and focus on my health. I feel so guilty that when he is only home so many days a month that he has to spend them cleaning this house that I sit in day in and out. I constantly tell myself that if I were him I would leave me. How lazy can I be that on days when I am feeling well enough to be up doing things I do not complete a single task in this house. I look at bills and feel guilty for spending his hard earned money on selfish frivolous things. He doesn’t get mad. He cares so intensely for me that he just lets me deal with things the best way I can. He doesn’t put any kind of pressure on me to do anything because he knows and has seen how easily I can break. Yet I feel extreme guilt. Maybe I need more accountability. Anyone understand this? Anyone experience this never ending cycle of depression, gladness, guilt and depression? Sometimes it feels completely pointless to even try, to do anything because this cycle is never ending. I don’t even allow myself to be present in the good moments because I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I guess that is the thing about dysthymia…you know its there just lingering waiting for you to have a silent moment so it can creep back up. It makes life feel pretty pointless. Right now I am sitting here alone at home and my darkness came to say hello because I was sitting her relaxing in silence. He’s such a relentless bully. I wish he had a face, so that I could make it feel my pain. I want something to blame this on. I don’t want it to be because of my genes. I don’t want it to be my fault that I am this way. I want to yell. I want to shout about this pain and anguish how unfair it is that I can not even enjoy a slight moment of silence with out my brain turning dark. Can you imagine taking a vacation lounging on a beach in silence listening to the oceans waves crashing around feeling relaxed..zen even..and then all of sudden”you’re so fat, you’re so stupid, no one actually likes you, you know that one thing you did when you were 10 years old yeah that thing its still here and oh yes it does make you a horrible person, how can you just lay here, what makes you feel like you deserve this moment of peace, why don’t you just leave, yeah that’s what you should do just leave, disappear, no one would care, you would actually be doing them a favor, you’re such a burden, oh are you going to cry now that’s right cry little baby, you can’t even take care of yourself how are you ever suppose to be a mother.” The mania of it all. The ups and downs and the never ending strong desire to want nothing more than for it to all just stop. I don’t even want ups…I just want flat….nothing…just regular..blah days. Nothing special just every day to be zen. Oh what a life that would be. At least then I would be able to get every day tasks done. Ugh. I hate my depression and anxiety. I wish it was like a wart. I could go to the doctor and be like hey will you freeze this bitch off its super annoying and it just needs to go. If only it could be like that, but a girl can dream.
Just A Girl Living In Her Dysthymia World 